SHINE Daily

Today Marks 6 Months Since I Overdosed

Yesterday, I came across this message from Alannah and asked her if I could share it with you. She graciously agreed. Today, she is six months and two days clean and sober. I appreciate Alannah's openness and honesty in how she met heroin, struggled to break free, and how God grabbed her attention. Read her story and please share it to give others hope that there can be life after heroin. 

Dear Heroin,

I've been wanting to write you for awhile. I feel that I must say goodbye.

Before we met, I'd thought about how you would change my life. I wasn't sure if I wanted all the baggage that came with you. When I saw you for the first time, my heart started racing. I liked it. I decided to give you a chance. Before my first line, I thought, "Do I really want to do this?" I took the straw and told myself that maybe you'd treat me right.

Shortly after that, I was lying to my family and my boyfriend to spend more time with you. People I thought were friends showed me how to mainline you the second time we met. I fell in love with how you made me feel. You warmed my blood, but most of all you made me forget all my troubles. You calmed my constantly racing thoughts. It didn't take long at all until the thought of you entering my blood stream was the only thing I cared about.

I lost my job first. But that was fine with me because now we could spend more time together. My money ran out as quickly as my tolerance for you shot up. You made me lie to my grandma, my mom, and Chris. They were the only way I could pay for you. I started selling my favorite possessions so we could be together. You lied to me and told me that my valuables meant nothing as long as we were together.

This cycle went on for six months. One day I decided to end our relationship. You made me sick when I couldn't afford you anymore. I wanted to break up with you for good so I checked myself into detox. I slept for three days while you exited my body. I had so many bruises that the nurses were in shock. I felt dirty and sick; all because of you. People visited me at Rogers but I didn't tell them what was really going on. I lied to the people that loved me. You made me feel so much shame that I thought maybe I should kill myself.

This cycle of getting high for a few weeks and then trying to end things with you went on for all of 2016. I was a patient at Rogers at least six times. This was because you would tell me you loved me and I would believe you for awhile. But every once in awhile I would regain a clear head and see that you were really the Devil in disguise. The real issue was that my heart hurt so badly, and you knew how to numb my pain. You were the only thing that knew how to numb my pain.

I lost my best friend shortly after he found out about us. I think he wanted to help me find a way out, but he couldn't watch me kill myself. You convinced me that I didn't need him; as long as you and I were together I didn't need anyone. That was a lie.

On August 18th, you betrayed me in the ultimate way. You tried to kill me. I overdosed and my mom found me blue and unconscious. My little brother tried to save my life with CPR. No one should go through what I put my family through that night. Especially Davis - who I love more than anything in this world. More than you, Heroin. 

I was put on a Narcan drip in the ICU for 24 hours. You had been laced with fetynal and I almost died. The doctors told me there was a boy my age in the room next to me who you also tried to kill. They didn't get to him in time. He will be a vegetable for the rest of his life. You did that to him, Heroin.

God spoke to me when I wasn't breathing. He asked me if I wanted to live or die. I told him I wanted to live. That meant ending things with you for good. God told me he can help me through my pain if I let you go. So I'm trusting Him. You and I will never be together again. I'm breaking up with you, Heroin. God is working in my life in a way that was never possible with you numbing my emotions. For that, I am so incredibly thankful.

Good bye, Heroin,

Alannah
(Milwaukee, Wisconsin)

Co-host of Afternoons with Jack & Erin on SHINE-FM.